Monday, November 06, 2006

“Are you picking truth or dare?” said Tracey and Haylee. “I guess I pick dare.” exclaimed Kelley. “Okay, I dare you to go into the abandoned hospital down the street!” screamed Tracy. The three girls walked across the street from Haylee’s house, and opened the squeaky, scratched up door.

The hospital was mysteriously strange and as old as the hills. It had rusty green and gray paint and shattered windows. "BAM!".Tracy and Haylee shoved Kelley through the door and giggled as they ran back too Haylee’s house. Inside, Kelley saw a bunch of dark creepy rooms, dusty hospital equipment, and spider webs on the ceilings. She turned to leave when a loud high pitch moan came from the floor above her. Kelley didn’t know if she should run away or let her curiosity get the best of her.

Kelley decided to go skate on thin ice and slowly walked up the decrepit stairs with a loud mouth.The stairs kept talking and making noise. Her heart was a music player that started beating faster and faster. At the top of the stairs she heard the moan again. Nothing was at her left, but then she turned right and she saw something so scary.There was this creature that had human features but it was see-through and had this evil grin and dark fierce red eyes. She ran as fast as she could down the stairs screaming her head off. Her face turned white, she had shivers up her spine and her hands were shaking uncontrollably. Kelley tried pushing the front door open, but it was jammed and wouldn’t open.

She closed her eyes hoping this was a nightmare. The terrified girl opened her eyes slowly and realized that this was real. Kelley wouldn’t turn around because she thought she might see that creature again. She tried too open the front door again, but it still wouldn't open so she ran into one of the pitch black rooms. She closed the door and lay on the floor trying not too think about that creature she saw upstairs. Kelley keep tossing and turning but she finally fell asleep.

The next day Tracy and Haylee realized their friend never came back. They ran across the street too the hospital. They kicked the door open and called Kelley’s name, but she didn’t answer. They searched everywhere in all the rooms until they found her sleeping and the creature hovering over her about too take Kelley’s soul away and kill her. They scream and grab Kelley and ran as fast as they could. They turned around and saw the evil red eyed creature chasing them. The three girls ran all over the creepy hospital and the three girls found the front door. They used all there force and kicked the door down and ran back too Haylee’s house. The creature will always haunt that house, and from that day, the creepy creature haunts them too.

8 comments:

gw1993 said...

Wow that was great. That was a great story line but i would like to see more deatail on the monster. I want to be able to see the gohst in my mind.

RJW said...

heyy love the essay :)

JVBG said...

That was a really good story kinda like tha grudge lol

ChristinaL said...

Great concept--love your description of the hospital. Maybe the girls should be walking down the street and shove Kelley in through the door. I had a hard time believing she would willingly go with them and then stay in all night. I imagine the girls kind of being mean-spirited and bullying Kelley in a way.
Please add more about they saved Kelley, and also revise your last two sentences.
Overall very good!

ChristinaL said...

OK, after re-reading the beginning, I think how you could fix it would be to write more about Kelley's nervousness about going to the abandoned hospital. (Maybe?)

HF said...

hey nice story. I really like the intro.

ABZ said...

Heyy! I really like your story! I love the concept, but I think you should add a little more detail about the creature! Great Story! :)

JMM said...

It had very good description I could really understand what the characters where doing and you had a very good hook and the ending really cought me by surprise about the ghost,then the whole story line was magnificent, I hope you write ANOTHER ONE =)!!!